childhood trauma

i was just going through a bunch of old photos stored on my phone from 2021-2023 and… well, some of them were lovely. fun memories and places and people. but some of them were sort of a stark reminder that i’ve been through a lot of trauma in the past couple of years. no wonder i was frequently dissociating and/or having meltdowns. no wonder my friendships were unstable as hell and i couldn’t find myself for the life of me. you can’t really figure out who you are when you’re stuck in survival mode all the time. survival mode me is not the real me. but i’m so used to survival mode that i forgot how to change the settings. i forgot how to just be me.

it is very hard for me to tell when i’m Fine and when i’m Unwell, but i think i’m in the process of healing. there is probably still a long way to go, but things are looking up, and that’s all i can really ask for right now.

i need to set an alarm or something

 NOOOO I DID IT AGAIN. I FULLY FORGOT I HAD A TEAMS MEETING YESTERDAY AND SIMPLY DID NOT SHOW UP. OMG. IM SO SORRY

forgive me, father, for i have sinned

rocks in my chest. acid in my veins. feeling too guilty to breathe tbh. restless to fix my mistake but paralyzed with fear of the (probably nonexistent) repercussions of what i’ve done.

maybe i am not living correctly. maybe i need to live like i’ll die when i’m 30. i do want a child when i’m 30. is the birth of a child the death of a woman? no. if that were true, i wouldn’t have a child after all.

i feel a clawing need to repent for my sins. to go to a priest and beg for forgiveness. to drop to my knees and pray for absolution. to light some candles and ask the gods for guidance. really, all i’ve done is miss one (1) meeting. but it feels as though i robbed a homeless man. it feels as though i kicked a dog while they were down. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m 

pomodoros work :)

i cleaned my room :)

before



after

"people don't know when they don't die."

"people don't know when they don't die."

yeah this snowstorm would've killed me if i didn't live in an apartment, or if i didn't have central heating, or if i didn't own all these warm clothes.

i would be dead without my 24/7 access to clean water, and grocery stores just a few minutes away. COVID could've killed me. the flu could've killed me. the common cold could've killed me.

we've done pretty cool things as a society. hopefully we can do more, instead of undoing what we've already accomplished.