it takes a village

on my way home i saw my neighbor pouring table salt on the rock solid ice on the sidewalk. i went “does that work?” and she said “if you use enough of it, yeah.” and then she added “my son fell earlier” and i said “yeah, i almost slipped just a second ago.” and then i went into my apartment.

that was nice of her, to sacrifice some of her salt to make the roads a bit safer. even if it was just for her son. she’s also helping my mom, whenever she gets back. we live in a society, and sometimes societies look like this.

so THAT'S why we have a teacher shortage

just spent like two hours talking about my day of teaching to my mom. it was so so much. and it's like that every day. i want to try to capture some of the highlights, before i forget forever:

• as i was reading this passage aloud to a quiet room of students, this kid got up and started dancing out of nowhere. i yelled at him and told him i was going to write him a referral, and i was so mad i said "i swear to gosh." but then at the end of class, like 4 kids insisted i said "i swear to god," and i said "i'm very confident i said gosh, but okay." they were acting like i said a curse word??? i was lowkey offended but i really shouldn't be. also, at the end of the day another teacher told me her kids said i "crashed out," and she told them they must've done something REAL bad to make me of all people crash out lmao. fair.
• i was going over the structure of an ECR (4 paragraph essay) for the millionth time. told them "THIS IS THE VERY FIRST STEP" like four times. told them i would be mad if later on they ask me what's the very first step cuz here i am, explaining it and repeating it a dozen times. then, of course, later on someone asks me what they're supposed to do, and of course it's the very first step. where were you when i said all those words earlier??? in la la land??? i genuinely don't understand
• mourning every single day cuz i can't teach these students the way i REALLY want to teach these students, which is, really, to private tutor everybody individually. they could do so well with individual instruction. but alas, i am a gen ed teacher who can only manage mostly-group-instruction with occasional individual instruction sprinkled in here and there. and these kids don't learn ANYTHING via group instruction. in one ear and out the other. plus i started the year with NO IDEA what the end goal was, really, so i feel like i missed out on a bunch of super important opportunities to lay down a foundation for these ECRs. now it's too late to start from scratch. half of these guys do just fine with the amount of guidance and support i offer now, and the other half has no clue what's going on most of the time. i don't know whether to bore the better half of the class or stump the lower half of the class. either way, i guess, i'm boring them.
• somebody randomly asked me if i'm single, and his friend immediately said "oh my god, dude, she doesn't like you," and ngl i couldn't tell if he was joking or not. these kids are like 13 lol. i got distracted though and the conversation immediately ended there, so i got no further clarification.
• i casually told a student that i felt like this class was kinda lazy, and he told his friend she was the laziest of them all. then she retorted with "well you're a fatty" which is... crazy. excuse you. then i attempted to reassure the guy that he absolutely was not fat (he isn't) and unexpectedly taught him what a BMI is.
• i did have one student come to after school tutorials, and i got to teach him exactly the way i needed to, and he learned stuff and brought his grade from a 40-something up to an 89. and that was nice. that was a good time. now if only i had like ten students total

someone asked me today if i would still be here next year, and i very casually said "i'm not sure!" but i lied tbh. i'm 100% sure i won't be here next year. so sorry. the kids are nice... give or take. making assignments and lesson plans can be fun. my colleagues are fantastic. honestly incredible people. but everything else is... awful. behavior management. random constant emails and paperwork. phone calls home. trying to lesson plan 3 hours every night, and extra planning every weekend. i'm sure it would get easier after 3-5 years cuz i could just reuse all the same material from then on, but i don't want to feel like i'm dying of stress and anxiety attacks and working 60 hours every week for three more years. no freaking thank you. i'm beyond burnt out as it is.

i wish i enjoyed teaching more. i wish i was more prepared. but nobody prepared me for any of this in the slightest. maybe i could come back in 5 years, but... we'll have to see.

i love you jeannette mcccurdy

i need the book Half My Age immediately