unfound

i feel lost. and i think, possibly, that i always feel lost. i’m not sure when i will ever feel found. i do not wander, yet still, i am lost.

spent most of yesterday playing random games that weren’t very fun or doomscrolling youtube (both long form and short form). i just. i couldn’t figure out what i really wanted to do. i needed to work, but i also needed a break from work, and i searched and i searched and i searched and i couldn’t find anything truly fulfilling. i hope i find something fulfilling soon. i hope i find myself soon.

strengths

read a post that simply said “would you kill baby Hitler, yes or no?” and unexpectedly, i found myself saying no.

it’s not that i’m a Nazi and support Hitler’s actions, but that if i were to go back in time and face a tiny tot toddler with a shitty childhood, i would break out in a cold sweat wondering how i could fix the life of this human being, not how i could end it. i wouldn’t stop anyone else from doing it. i would be impressed and grateful, even. but i couldn’t do it myself.

i don’t think this is a flaw of mine. i think it is a strength of empathy and looking for the good in people, always. but it can also be a weakness. so i’m thankful that the earth is full of unique people with a huge variety of strengths and weaknesses. i’m thankful there are doctors and firefighters and lawyers and janitors and cooks and plumbers who do the hard things i couldn’t possibly be able to handle in this lifetime. and i remain secure in the fact that there is something i can do that others can’t. i’m not entirely certain what that is yet, but i know there’s something.

mystery box

i’m in the mood to buy one of those mystery box sets on tiktok where they film all the cute little things they add to your mystery box before shipping it out. i really want the teeny tiny joy of opening a mystery package and discovering all the beautiful stationery pieces i got.

i suppose i could get a similar sort of thrill from going through all the stationery supplies i ALREADY own. i have so many that there’s definitely a bunch that have been buried in my drawers that i haven’t seen in months. it is already a joy to refuse to spend money, to continue to save up and watch the number in my savings account climb higher and higher. i’m doing well. i don’t need a beautiful $50-$80 mystery box. 

a sophisticated intellectual

i think i am afraid to be silly. i think i am afraid to come across as anything less than solemn and serious and wistful and deep. i feel like a teenage boy who carries a copy of a Proust book with them at all times so they can appear as a sophisticated intellectual who doesn’t have time for such silly games as “Clash Royale” or “League of Legends.”

i am that, a little bit. i read and i think i’m educated and i want people to think i’m smart. but i also want to watch every comedy show on :Dropout and play Stardew Valley and make the stupidest puns you’ve ever heard once in a blue moon. i want to be soft and giggly and make really shitty collages and twirl around in circles when i’m in public just cuz i feel like it. 

i think perhaps who i want to be and who i really am are constantly at odds with each other, and i can’t figure out if what i want is what i’m supposed to want. is this what’s best for me? or is it just what’s safe and easy for me? i don’t know if i’ll ever find out. but i hope that i do. god, i hope that i do.

AI is for the WEAK AND STUPID

god, nothing pisses me off more than students who use AI to write their essays. I CAN ALWAYS TELL. I LITERALLY PUT THAT IN THE SLIDESHOW GUYS. I CAN ALWAYS TELL. USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN I BEG OF YOU

it's a bop ✨

i wanna have a spotify listening party so bad. my playlist is. errr. the one that comes to mind is "killing it" for some reason, but i could also say it's lit, it's fire, it's sick, it's.... rad. lmao

wish list

- custom AF1s. maybe like these? solely because i love the song AF1s by Chelsea Cutler
- also BANGS shoes
- a boox e-reader
- a cat (or two or three)
- two white computer monitors
- new set of dishes. plates and bowls and mugs and cutlery. i need everything to MATCH
- a bunch of black sports bras
- a pixel phone
- fluffy socks
- a whole lotta books
- a whole lotta merch from music artists i love
- lincoln logs lol
- infinite notebooks of all shapes and sizes and colors

touch grass

i need to get out. i need to go outside. i need to do something Real. i need to touch grass. i need to see people. i need to feel alive again. it scares me to no end… but there’s no way around it.