anxieties

• i sent my friend an honest text about how i feel like he's not very emotionally supportive and ignores my messages whenever i admit i'm struggling with something. hilariously, he ignored that one, too. it's been seven days. what a... douchebag. tbh. i really want to like him. i keep looking for ways to justify his silence. maybe he's really busy at work, or he's actually going through something, or he's struggling to craft the perfect most thoughtful response ever. but... yeah. idk.
• i've been doing great about compartmentalizing my anxieties about not being good enough at work. like, i surprisingly don't have impostor syndrome. i feel like i'm capable of good things and have achieved many good things. HOWEVER. i also know that factually i am not doing as much as i'm expected to do. i'm falling behind. i'm taking shortcuts and leaving things out that really can't be left out. i keep telling myself i'll catch up soon, i just need more time to acclimate, to get over the learning curve. but umm. i'm 4 weeks in. i feel like i'm rapidly running out of time. it's probably not true, but it feels true.
• i really wish i had more time to read. and to sleep. i'm typing this up at nearly-2-am because i'm in a rainy day journaling mood, but i should absolutely be sleeping. i'm going into work tomorrow even though it's a sunday cuz i have a thousand things to try to catch up on. i'm reading a book called Legend by Marie Lu, and i'm 16% in, and it feels like not enough. i want to read Deerbrook and The Portrait of a Lady and A Tale of Two Cities and i want to reread a dozen beautiful novels, and there simply isn't time. i give my kids 10 minutes at the start of every class to read, and i spend the entire time shushing them and trying to take attendance while they whisper and giggle and hold their book upside down and side-eye me the entire time. i wish i could just read.
• i want to be better and better and better and better and better and better and better. and i know i am growing, i know that i must try and fail and try and fail and try and fail a hundred thousand times to be better, but every failure HURTS and sometimes it feels like the last one and i can't get back up again. i don't have a support system despite my mother's well-intentioned but ill-thought-out advice, and my admin's occasional reminders that there are plenty of avenues to ask for help, and then i ask and don't receive. i have one singular friend and that is a fellow teacher drowning under the weight of 4 preps and several behaviorally-challenged SPeD students. i love helping her but i seem incapable of being helped, not necessarily because she cannot help me, but because i can't let down my walls for anybody. i must be put-together and getting by and "doing okay!" no matter what. i must have my feet planted firmly in the sand, even when the water is lapping lightly at my neck. sometimes i wish the tides would sweep me under and i could just drown. nevermind whether they find my body or not. i just want to let go and drown.

empathy

thinking about my kids and how mean they are to each other. i don't really understand it. they seem to lack empathy. or they just have no filter and have not been taught to apply one.

thinking about my desperation for some empathy directed at myself. i have buckets and buckets of empathy to shower upon others. i do it daily. i make people feel better about themselves. but nobody seems to empathize with me? sure, they'll celebrate my wins once in a while. "someone said you're their favorite teacher? that's awesome!" but i cannot be sad without being a nuisance. i cannot be angry unless they already harbored the same anger. i feel like an echo chamber. i cannot live amongst others, and Feel on the same level they do; others live within me, and i must take on their Feelings. i can't have any of my own. i am just a vessel. if i dare to express any negative feelings, i'm usually hit with disgust or apathy or something very fake and well-intentioned and sickly sweet and awful. or maybe just really terrible advice. thanks for trying but no thanks.

hm.

that kinda hurts.

i'm a good person. i deserve better.

affirmations

i can love myself. i can and i do. i think probably it's okay for me to be here. to just. exist.

but i'm just barely over the line, really. i wish someone could affirm me. cuz i'm not sure how long i can keep this up on my own.

(pleadingly)

i have so so much to give. there’s so so much waiting just below the surface. but you gotta EARN it, my dudes