bookishghost (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bookishghost) wrote2026-02-10 09:27 pm
bookishghost) wrote2026-02-10 09:27 pm
i'm scared
i'm pretty sure i'm going to resign next tuesday. absolutely awful timing, since another RLA teacher JUST resigned and their last day is tomorrow, but i cried today and tomorrow is going to suck too and i'm just not cut out for this. "assertive" is not in my vocabulary. i ask nicely and then there are no consequences i am able to provide for misbehavior and everyone is so used to just doing whatever the heck they want and there's nothing i can do about it. and this is the wrong way to do it and no one has shown me the right way to do it no matter how many times i ask. they just tell me to give detentions and call parents, and how, may i ask, am i supposed to find time to call 40-50 parents every day? because that's the level of misbehavior i'm experiencing. and then the kids will hate me and complain and yell and i'm too mentally fragile to accept that at this point. not to mention one kid threatening to fight me because i made him stay 3 minutes after the bell, and the threat of a school shooting from a few months back. you never know. i don't even have it in me to appreciate the good kids because at this point they're just a blur in the background and i can only spend 24/7 on high stress asking people to SIT DOWN and PLEASE WRITE SOME WORDS YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANY WORDS IN THE LAST 20 MINUTES. constantly.
it's so bad i made an appointment to see a therapist on friday. i've never seen one before.
it's so bad i joked about getting pregnant tonight so i could take leave. (i'm not planning to be pregnant for like 8 more years.)
it's so bad i straight up dissociated for a few minutes during 8th period and of course, not a single person noticed.
i'm scared and i'm sad and i want to sit here forever, journaling about my fears and worries, rather than facing tomorrow with a pasted on smile and a belly full of panic at the fact that i have to set everything up for testing. there is never enough time to set up for testing. i just need more time so i can wash my hair and plan better lessons and sleep another 11 hours (why is it never enough?) and then sleep another 3 or 4 and finally go take a walk in the fresh air and figure out how to iron all these clothes in my closet and get an overdue oil change and find a new job and play stardew valley and
every day i tell myself "the time will pass anyway." it'll be a bad day, but the time will pass anyway. it'll never be today again. it'll never be tomorrow again.
good night i guess. ♥
it's so bad i made an appointment to see a therapist on friday. i've never seen one before.
it's so bad i joked about getting pregnant tonight so i could take leave. (i'm not planning to be pregnant for like 8 more years.)
it's so bad i straight up dissociated for a few minutes during 8th period and of course, not a single person noticed.
i'm scared and i'm sad and i want to sit here forever, journaling about my fears and worries, rather than facing tomorrow with a pasted on smile and a belly full of panic at the fact that i have to set everything up for testing. there is never enough time to set up for testing. i just need more time so i can wash my hair and plan better lessons and sleep another 11 hours (why is it never enough?) and then sleep another 3 or 4 and finally go take a walk in the fresh air and figure out how to iron all these clothes in my closet and get an overdue oil change and find a new job and play stardew valley and
every day i tell myself "the time will pass anyway." it'll be a bad day, but the time will pass anyway. it'll never be today again. it'll never be tomorrow again.
good night i guess. ♥
no subject
This is such a difficult and uncomfortable situation to be in. Wishing you all the best.