d(e)ad

[bookishghost]

just watched the digital premiere of the film d(e)ad written & directed by Izzy Roland. i laughed and i sobbed. she hated him and she hated him and she hated him, and she loved him. i think i feel the opposite way about my own dad. i loved him and i loved him and i loved him and i hate him and it’s so mixed up now that really, i feel nothing at all toward him. objectively it’s “oh he’s a human being like any other, he doesn’t deserve pain and suffering.” subjectively it’s “that’s fine but i want to never see him or speak to him again, even if that, too, causes him pain and suffering.” will i regret not seeing him again before he dies? will i be upset that i can’t see him i can’t see him i can’t see him again? i don’t know. i’m concerned that i don’t know.

i don’t think i know what love means.