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Nov. 29th, 2025
wish i had the luxury to be bored again. wish i could be so very bored that i reread one of my favorite books as my chosen pastime. wish i could perhaps be snowed in for weeks on end. wish i could build a lopsided snowman in my front yard and then go home and make double chocolate chip cookies. wish i could pick up one of the dozens and dozens of pens i've been hoarding without using and draw a really shitty comic about a stick figure that gains superpowers and fights chaotic supervillains and then flies into the sun and explodes the way i did when i was 10. wish i could blow up every smartphone in existence. wish i could ban 10 year old from me accessing the game that simultaneously ruined and saved my life. wish i didn't have to work on weekends. wish my closet wasn't so cluttered that a small child could hide in it without my knowledge. wish i could fuck up over and over and over and over and over again.
but alas. there's no time.
but alas. there's no time.
just watched the digital premiere of the film d(e)ad written & directed by Izzy Roland. i laughed and i sobbed. she hated him and she hated him and she hated him, and she loved him. i think i feel the opposite way about my own dad. i loved him and i loved him and i loved him and i hate him and it’s so mixed up now that really, i feel nothing at all toward him. objectively it’s “oh he’s a human being like any other, he doesn’t deserve pain and suffering.” subjectively it’s “that’s fine but i want to never see him or speak to him again, even if that, too, causes him pain and suffering.” will i regret not seeing him again before he dies? will i be upset that i can’t see him i can’t see him i can’t see him again? i don’t know. i’m concerned that i don’t know.
i don’t think i know what love means.
i don’t think i know what love means.
